Living options for aging adults can be a challenging topic to introduce. Telling a loved one about the need to research one’s next living options can be frustrating and hurtful if not handled appropriately. There are some aspects of this discussion you need to prepare for and things that you should avoid to make the whole discussion as smooth and pleasant as possible.
Before the Talk
Do some basic research before bringing it up. Search for options like home care, assisted living, or a senior community. Knowing what’s available will make it easier to negotiate and meet each other in the middle.
Do it early. When exactly will be defined by your situations and parameters. But waiting for the last minute will only make things worse. It might take up to a year to finally move, so planning ahead is vital. It is also crucial that your senior relative doesn’t feel they need to hurry. They must feel comfortable and have ample time to prepare for this transition.
Do keep it personal. There’s no need to tell everyone about it. The fewer people know about it, the better. Respect their need for privacy; they’re in a vulnerable situation.
Bringing It Up
Timing is key. Choose a time when they are rested and in a good mood. Preferably alone as well. Don’t be too serious; a more casual tone will make the process less stressful for both of you.
Once you’ve made your proposition (because that’s what it should be, a recommendation, not an order), wait for their initial response.
Be prepared. Their reaction is unpredictable; they might shout at you, cry, say nothing, or walk away. At this point, you need to be supportive, respectful, and calming.
Empathize. Get in their shoes. They might feel like a burden or trouble for the family. Their pride is hurt, so be encouraging and supportive. Explain how this is about their safety and life quality enhancement and not about you getting rid of the responsibility to take care of them.
Emphasize the positives. All they can think of are all the unpleasant half-truths they know about nursing homes. Prove them wrong, and highlight all the advantages and new potential such an option provides. Make them see how what they have to gain outweighs any possible downside.
Be patient. They will be stubborn or even relentless. Respect their need to think it over. Don’t expect to solve the issue over one discussion.
Just listen. Don’t be authoritative. Give them space and time to voice their concerns and fears. The possibility of moving out of their home is daunting, making them feel they’re supported and listened to throughout this process.
No matter their emotional reactions, you shouldn’t get angry with them. They’ve got every right to feel frustrated, terrified, and perhaps even disappointed. This is a time when you need to show affection and comfort. Don’t be rude or disrespectful. Make them see this as a sign of caring, not ungratefulness.
Don’t be judgmental and selfish. Try to realize how inconvenient and unpleasant this situation is for them. Don’t demand or prescribe, recommend, share, and make them see what you see.
Discussing elderly living options is not something to take lightly. Prepare accordingly so that you spare yourselves unpredictable and unpleasant situations. Often, suggesting visiting a few senior living facilities will make things much more realistic and help them make the decision.
Find a local care manager to help provide third-party objectivity to the situation. Often, older adults will listen to a professional who provides insight and guidance. The care manager can also help locate the best options and will know industry information about the care that the different living facilities provide.
Make sure to find a reputable care manager at www.aginglifecare.org. This is a national organization called Aging Life Care (ALCA). Care managers must present proof of credentials, years of experience, and reference letters to join. Preferred Living Solutions has six care managers that belong to ALCA. Contact us if you need help having this conversation with your loved ones.